Abuse usually occurs within a cycle whereby the abuse is not always constant. Between incidents of abuse, there can be periods of calm as well. It is important to remember that most survivors of abuse love their partner.

0. Honeymoon phase

At the beginning of abusive relationships, oftentimes there is little or no indication of the potential for abuse. The future abuser may be charming, kind, and attentive. They often say the right things, make future victims feel special, and “sweep victims off their feet.” This is sometimes called the Honeymoon phase.

1. Tensions Building

Over time, as the Honeymoon phase begins to fade, there is often a breakdown in communication. The victim may fear angering their partner and feel as though they are having to “walk around on eggshells” in order to placate their partner. There is palpable tension in the relationship.

2. Incident

Eventually, the tensions boil over, and the abuser lashes out in order to establish or maintain control. This may be in the form of verbal abuse or emotional abuse (as is common in the beginning of relationships), but it may also take the form of physical, sexual, digital, or financial abuse.

3. Reconciliation

Following the abuse, it is common for the abuser to apologize for the abuse. Sometimes, reconciliation may take the form of rationalizing the abuse, blaming the victim, denying that they were abusive, or minimizing the abuse as if it were “not that bad” or that the victim is “overreacting.” The abuser may promise to never do it again.

4. Calm

Following the reconciliation phase, calm is eventually restored (temporarily) and the cycle continues to repeat as tensions began building again. (Return to Step 1.)