“Why Do Victims Stay in Abusive Relationships?”
Though this is a natural first question, asking this question to survivors may make them feel like they have to justify how they’ve managed to stay alive. Unfortunately, asking this question is a form of victim blaming whether intended or not.
Instead, let’s reframe this question to ask, “What are the barriers to leaving?”
Barriers to Leaving
From this perspective, it allows it allows survivors, advocates, and loved ones to actually help identify the specific barriers, challenges, and problems. Once the particular obstacles are identified, an exit strategy and a safety plan can be developed to explore options and resources that enable the survivor to overcome the barriers to leaving.
Prolonged exposure to abusive treatment combined with periods of loving and desired behaviors by the abusive partner can lead to the victimized person feeling trapped, silenced, and lacking self-esteem. If the victimized person tries to assert themselves, the abuser often ramps up the abuse and may become more controlling and abusive. Soon, the survivor may come to fear the abuser for various valid reasons and may feel they are unable to escape or leave. It is important to note that a victimized person may not be able to get away from their abuser because the abuser will not let them do so.
Moreover, in many cases, the victimized person may still love their abuser. Some survivors may only want to abuse to end, not the entire relationship. Sometimes the survivors themselves may deny or minimize the abuse—even make excuses for their partner. Sometimes, survivors may even feel responsible for the abuse or blame themselves. Survivors who eventually leave their abuser often go back to the relationship 7-10 times before finally leaving for the last time.
One of the most common questions people ask about those affected by domestic abuse is, “Why don’t they just leave?” It can be difficult for loved ones (or even the victims themselves) to understand why someone would choose to stay in an abusive relationship, however, it is important to realize that leaving is not always an easy, nor a safe, option. Most importantly, victims should never be judged or blamed for staying in an abusive relationship.
Reasons People Stay in Abusive Relationships:
Barriers to Leaving
• Fear of repercussions of leaving
• Love
• Shame or embarrassment
• Low self-esteem
• Abuse feels normal
• Belief that s/he will change
• Fear of loneliness
• Belief that abuse is deserved
• Manipulated by threats of suicide
• Feelings of helplessness
• No family or support
• Financial concerns
• Immigration status
• Cultural or religious reasons
• Disability
• Concern for children